Chapter 3: Scar face
It is the scars.
It is the scars. The scars on my face. There are so many of them scars on one face. My face. Must have been some good curse, or karma. Now I realise, my expectations are totally wrong. One of them recently told me, I looked as if a jallaad. I agree now. The reference is not what hurts, the reality is that does. I wish I wasn’t what I am, from the outside as well from the inside. Anyway what I am I am.
I think today is the first time I am facing these scars myself. This mode of expression is good. It’s like self therapy. Self induced epiphany. I am noticing new scars everyday. What was I doing when I got them?! And why was I?!
The history of me is depressing the present of the remnants of ashes that I am. Life is not yet well lived even for a while. Illusion wraps reality. Powerful thoughts induce virtual joy that is life like, similarly to the joy induced by AI. What I am going through is the virtual influence of EI that has engulfed the outcome of my thoughts into actions.
The fake feelings induced by EI are addictive. And then there is felt no requirement of doing anything else in the real life. The new realm is a quicker realm to the ultimate mental goals. But the physical goals and the physical world gets left behind and the human does get left behind as well. In this world I call it losing in life.
EI is Evil Intelligence. Idle mind indeed is the devil’s workshop. I am a classic example of this quote turned into reality to my own research. The lack of conscious thought has enabled the EI to place some of it’s in the space and then the body acts and the mouth speaks, and the world around starts burning, taking the people down, away from me. And I am left thinking, in that dark corner hiding under the blanket of shame, burning leaves, inhaling them. Playing with smoke and fire, with holes in my shirt a witness of the wild beast in me.
The scars trigger loser-consciousness. There are times I myself get heavily scared with my own accidental reflection. Just recently I could see them from a rear angle in a mirror at a salon. On one of the sides of my face, I could see there were everywhere. They are. I have been ignoring them to be away from the reality of the real destruction of my face. I am scared of those I could make peace with, but there are more I saw today, and it’s so scary. I might never have someone accept me. Just today I could see a pattern of scars on my face… as if some face of rock was chiseled and carved on me by someone who had not yet discovered the perfect art of rock carving.
Just imagine how scary it could be for a sweet girl if I approached her to talk or maybe connect. I was unaware of this fact until now. I am sorry to all of them whom I have hurt this way. I have to try to act normal to live this life and justify the beautiful that I have received since birth. It’s my cash I haven’t yet utilised. Maybe someone could tell me if a world for someone like me exists …? I would be grateful for that tip.
Time to go and work some way up.
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