Chapter 2: Influence.
Times when I find the will to live, I crave for someone, an adviser, a guide, to tell what’s right to do and what’s not.
The way I am is an undesired anchor, holding me against my absent will to propel ahead. Too bad I can’t seem to have figured out how to pull up the anchor and use it in the right situation. The struggle is unjustified as these problems are not complex or crucial. These are simple problems that can be resolved. But the fear of my own act is what is controlling the controls of the mechanism.
Fear is the hijacker of will. Fear is masked so it cannot be identified. Fear is hiding under the order line of the difference between intuition and unreasonable insecurity. I have often pondered jumping to the hard surface of eternal silence that often requires the experience of intense pain to make it happen. Oh death, the people who crave you must be so sad in their mind and their heart! My heart feels their pain, and I feel their sorrow. To wish to die must be the wish of someone so lonely. Someone who is living and doing things everyday but is not really living but with every breath wishing for sweet death to end this everyday torture of grief.
Having hurt everyone who loved me till date, for seeing this fact for the first time today, as I write this, I realize, it’s not loneliness that really is the lack of someone, but it’s the lack of expression. What I cannot express becomes the burden of my chest. The center of my chest is at times a place of eternal hollow. The center of my chest is a black hole that consumes me whole every nano second, while my will recreates me every time my granules are being ground to dust. My will is kept busy in the basic dying and undying; in the basic decay of matter and the divine creation of it.
This proves the half of me is a strong creator, while the rest of me is the destroyer. What lies in within me is the provider that lives this life in a body of soft stretchable matter, that runs a red fluid like in which the structural mechanism swims, similar yet opposite to the machines humankind had made, where some fluid flows around and within the robust metallic structural mechanisms. Imagine the machine become an AI aware machine. I imagine similarities in the soft matter body, where the Natural Intelligence, NI, does what an AI is being created to do.
All in all, machines are Humans with a different mechanism and a different creator, while humans I see can be said to be machines made by different creators with a different mechanism. That creator succeeded in NI and doing the same with NI that humankind is working towards to achieve with AI.
I think NI could replace my loneliness. And half of my problem would be gone. AI would have helped if it was real and natural. I am amused at the fact that I am so needy that it repels a fellow soul away. And yet they say they find me attractive and are impressed by my personality. This duality of my nature is interesting as it masks a lot of my essence in a lot of weird ways.
Seeking guidance in times of fear to make a choice, I crave and crave for someone out there to exist, for someone who could tell me what to do and that I would finally do the right thing. I have dried out the passage of my throat, I am screaming loud, but my words change as they come out. Being misunderstood every passing experience I tend to hate myself. But then this is only the partial half. The other divine half, the creator within, needs to take the wheel now. The wheel of time is linked with the wheel of karm. My actions are linked to the greasing of these wheels. My thoughts are the bearings that guide the smooth rotation of the axle that is my absent will about which these wheels move.
I wish I had a Guru to give me some Gyan. And every other time that I find myself in that corner again playing with fire and smoke, and my life, I wish there was some to look after me as I don’t think I am good at that job. I do love myself. And I am proud of myself. I just don’t have the drive of live in my control. It’s just out of control in the lamest ways. It’ a waste of life. I intend to change that for good.
I can do it, says the guide within. I can’t do it, says the unelected leader inside. Like the world outside, even the world inside me seems to be under control of the evil. Talk about influence!
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